there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
