those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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