phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
