Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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