Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
