Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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