this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
