How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize