I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
