ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
