So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
