I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Semen is not good for contacts.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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