his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Randomize
