who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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