once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
