When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
