discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
