Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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