WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
