White coat. Heels.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
