My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
