wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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