No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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