omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
