Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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