Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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