well I can't set my house on fire every night
This house was built for laser tag.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
