while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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