I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
did i just pee glitter
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
