There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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