Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
