If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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