In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
