found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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