he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
high people should be assigned attendants
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
