I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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