Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
