Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
