he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
