Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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