I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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