I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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