You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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