i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
