Barsexuality is the new black.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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