I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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