sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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