just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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