i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
