At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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