Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
