i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize