I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
