I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
