i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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