Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
