Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize