And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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