last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
